I'd MUCH rather be with you.

"Shawna! you are going to go on a  date on a boy in my dance class!" Kyrie had exclaimed.

"Erm. What?"

She then went on to list all of his fantastic qualities, and how he's looking for a girl who is upfront and won't lead him on.

"But, but, but... I don't want to..."

"Yes. Yes you do."

And I guess that was it.

after the initial "You mean, I'm going to be stuck with a complete stranger for a WHOLE night?" feeling- I decided it wouldn't be too terrible.

Kyrie promised that she and her Joe would be there with us the whole time, that he was really nice, and that I had no obligation to fall for him.

"Don't worry. I won't."

I already knew I was not looking for romance, or a soul mate, or a fling, or... anything else along those lines. (I'm already completely satisfied what I've got, thanks.)

However, it was a free dinner, and who knew, maybe an awesome new friend?

if only.

The plan was a photo scavenger hunt. Yay! right? hahah, no.

we split up at the entrance, Kyrie with her Joe- Me with the "him". we headed to the doors- I was reading through the list, with Mr. Dateman behind me, when suddenly- "Oomf!"

What ever he had been looking at must have been pretty fascinating. enough to overlook my presence and trample me.

at this point I thought " ok,  Cool. This guy is TOTALLY as socially awkward as I am! maybe this has potential. :)"

 Ahaha. No.

It seems he is strictly against any form of having fun, being silly, or doing anything slightly spontaneous what so ever.

Needless to say- with an akward "Um, I'm just not going to give you a hug, ok? and sure you can have my number, even though we both know you won't be calling it" goodbye, I was very ready to go home.

However, I can honestly say this date was a good... learning experience?

I now know the best pizza to order at the fire house pizza grill, that there is currently no Han Solo action figure in the toy section, and that try as you might- some things just wont work. (PS. sometimes this is a good thing.)

But don't worry guys, He wasn't fond of me either.

"She acted Cold." (said to Kyrie after the fact)
Schweet. 

At least I can say "that I'm upfront, and didn't lead him on"...

Over all...

 Boys, if you are wanting to be kind to your date:

• Don't ignore her.
• Don't shoot down her every idea.
• Don't make rude comments about passerby's
•  and Try and enjoy yourself a little.

 And Girls:

• Maybe give him a chance. even if he is kindof a goober.
• Plus it might be good if you don't constantly compare him to the man of your dreams...  It's probably a lot for the poor guy to live up to.

Free to Choose.

"Men are free to choose"

Right?

Right.

You can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable.

And I'm wanting happy. The only problem is that I'm having a very difficult time seeing which side is the happy side...

For example:
Art school! Yes? no.. yes! no? yes no yes no yes no....maybe? It's a dilemma.

You see, Art school is expensive. "zero money, major loans, possible debt, and working fifty years to pay it off," type of expensive. 

gag.

Plus- it's really kind of, sort of, far, far away...

Not to mention different. For some reason I have a hard time seeing little Mormon girl from small-town Utah, mixing well with a Big, Busy, very liberal, School of Fine Arts in California...
I will be almost completely alone.


However- Art School is also my best chance of becoming who I've wanted to be my whole life.

As my drawing professor puts it- "With an art degree- you will either be really rich and successful- or you will be flipping hamburgers the rest of your life."

great.
No pressure.

But I figure going to the right school- with the best possible education, and the right "ins" will widen my success window. Plus- I'm pretty sure the experience itself will be absolutely worth it.

I'll be in a place completely dedicated to something I love, and I'll be learning to stretch my talents wider and farther than I'd ever thought possible. Not to mention- being a couple thousand miles closer to a beach doesn't sound too bad either... :)

And if you really think about it- "alone" and "different" don't have to be bad things...

Maybe this is my road to independence and confidence.

Maybe it's my chance to make a difference- to change someone's life-

Maybe, Just maybe, there's someone out there who needs me.

(missionary experience?? hmm)
Maybe.

But maybe not..

Is it worth it? 

Gah! My brain is running in circles! I'm getting the ever so slight feeling that this is going to be the biggest choice I've ever had to make in my whole life! It might influence everything! It will influence everything... And if I make the wrong decision here- there's a pretty big chance that all of my hopes and dreams concerning my future hubby, family and career will get sucked into the deep dark abyss of despair- 

F O R E V E R ! ! !

ok. I might be exaggerating.. But it's still semi-terrifying.

I'm not one for numbers- but I'm pretty sure if you were to describe my feelings on this in math problem form, it would look like this:

Wish me luck.
Because I need it.

Patience

I might have teared up at the sight of that picture.
How it made me realize that some aspects of life are perfect and beautiful.
Happiness must be real,
possible,
because I saw it peaking from beneath those tiny eyelids- What could you be dreaming of?

I know my actions are laughable- It's a picture. Really? 
yeah..

But you'd get it- had you been in my head. you would know, just how very badly, I want a happiness like that.
I've waited my whole life for it.
I'm still waiting.

Someday. 

Sorry.

It seems I am much too good at being human.

Meaning- I often do things without consulting with that little voice they call a conscience.

Or I ignore it completely.


Anywho. I apologize.

Goodnight.

Breakable.

Connection is one thing that's always terrified me. When it happens, its like the two people involved are each given a thread- easy to snap, drop, tangle. 

(pinterest)

Friendship can be very delicate. Some people are more careful than others, determined to make the connection stronger, they're committed.
Committing scares me too...
When you are truly committing to someone- you're giving them a part of yourself- trusting them to hold that fragile little eggshell and not break it. I've always tried to hide mine. I feel safer that way.

In the past, when things would become too close, to sticky, or too "official" with somebody- I'd run. I've left people standing on porches, driven away from them in parking lots, and told them that distance was an acceptable excuse.

And it's always worked.

Mostly.

But go figure! life has a lovely habit of making exceptions to everything.

"Oh, Hey, Shawna- We're going to fling someone into your life that you cant possibly let go of! have fun!"

Its like throwing a bunny rabbit into a cage full of hungry and ferocious dogs. What ever happens- that rabbit will more than likely end  up broken...

hmmm....


So please- If you're reading this (and I'm pretty sure you know who you are.) - be careful.

Because I've officially given up.

That breakable, tender part of myself is starting to reach out.

and I've let it- which scares me more than anything.