Oldest.

I am the oldest of  seven children.

And let me tell you- there is nothing else like it.

In most cases when people say such things, they then go on about how they had to share their room with four sisters, what it's like to have your own private bench in sacrament meeting, how the family had to buy a bus to travel places in one piece, and that they're lucky if they go through less than three gallons of milk a week.

False. Except for very possibly the milk part.

while I am lucky enough to have all of these little people in my life- Not Once, have we all lived in the same home. In fact, I'm pretty sure my two youngest sisters are completely unaware that the other one exists...

Now before you go on about "poor thing, broken family,what chaos, that's terrible" and so on- let me give a quick explanation:

My life is  how it is- yes, its a little crazy at times, and sometimes it is awfully hard- but I know things were supposed to play out this way. otherwise they wouldn't' have.

I know this, so, I wouldn't have it any other way.
ok? ok.

Anyway- Last week was my Baby Ashlee's birthday, and hearing her little voice on the phone was probably the best thing in the WHOLE world. Also kinda heartbreaking. Ever since school started I get a "Shawny? When are you coming home?" every time we talk on the phone. Not going to lie-  I pretty much tear up every time she asks me.

After our short but sweet birthday conversation, I got to thinking about how much I've lucked out. Yeah, sometimes younger siblings can be a little bit of a bite in the bum (Cough cough- In Shelly's case, I mean that literally...) But I just have to say that mine are the best there are.

100% worth it.

It's been one of those weeks. (The "Whoa! slow down for a second!" kind.)

For the record though, I've been totally cool with it.

Although- next time, I need to make sure it doesn't mean skipping class to catch up on sleep...

My bad.
On the brighter side though- there are definitely a few things I would gladly trade an hour in a stuffy classroom for:

Surprise blizzards lead to unexpected sleep overs. and thus zero sleep.However- I've decided that's ok- if the sleep is lost due to a conversation with a close friend.

There will always be that friend that eats all of your popcorn. But you'll still love them dearly.

Missing people is hard. But it makes those moments you can be with them even more fantastic. Even if they're moments spent talking gibberish at 4:30 in the morning. (maybe especially then...)

Standing up in front of people is terrifying. Even if  it's just to be introduced to the institute choir you're visiting. However- it helps a lot if you have a best buddy there to say "This is Shawna. We've been friends since 5th grade." ("hello shawna.")


It's always lovely when you to have to explain that you are not, in fact, doing your English project on Montreal, Canada. you were just spending precious in-class research time getting super excited for your pal's future. this ought to be perfectly understandable.

BLT's go perfectly with people-watching in cafes. Especially with someone who thinks you're crazy. (Um, last time I checked, it wasn't my fault you had to be the "logical, engineering" type, friend. But, that's ok, I've missed you anyway.)

Sometimes it's kind of nice to have short conversations with people you hadn't intended on chilling with. Especially if they're talented at drawing mustaches.

You don't have to be going through a hard time to lean on someone. Friends are there to share happiness and excitement too- correct? of course! There doesn't have to be a reason for a phone call.

While hunting for apartments in the snow and cold can be difficult- getting help from strangers off the street for some reason, is not... One step closer to a future home! 

Anyway. It's been good. 

Mostly. It does seem that with every up there needs to be a down. (to balance things out, right? ... cool. I guess.)

Making choices is still hard- especially if you get a sudden reality punch in the stomach of "Ha! Stinks for you and your dreams!"  (But I'm hoping this is one of those "make you stronger" set backs...)

Over all though, I've totally realized that one of the best ways to forget that you're going through a rough time is to feel genuinely happy for someone else. It's amazing how it works. 

Happiness is catchy.

It radiates from over long distances, and over little speakers in your cellphone. Suddenly all of those thoughts of worry and panic twist, and turn, and *POOF*

Hearing someone else's  excitement, and knowing that they're headed in the right direction, that they're going to become even more amazing then they already are, and seeing a glimpse of the happiness they're about to find for the rest of their life- its perfect. 

I wouldn't trade these moments for anything.

I've been so blessed to know people that constantly create these moments. A friend of mine recently made a complete turn in her life- I know she's scared and that she has a lot of questions, but it amazes me to see the bravery and determination as she works for her new goal. I've also been blessed to witness the strength and steadfastness of a friend who's getting ready to leave everything behind, because it's the right thing. He's always been an incredible example to me- and even though I know I'll miss him with my whole self- I can't wait to see him touch other peoples lives, and bring them to a happiness they wouldn't be able to find without him.

I am truly lucky.

I'd MUCH rather be with you.

"Shawna! you are going to go on a  date on a boy in my dance class!" Kyrie had exclaimed.

"Erm. What?"

She then went on to list all of his fantastic qualities, and how he's looking for a girl who is upfront and won't lead him on.

"But, but, but... I don't want to..."

"Yes. Yes you do."

And I guess that was it.

after the initial "You mean, I'm going to be stuck with a complete stranger for a WHOLE night?" feeling- I decided it wouldn't be too terrible.

Kyrie promised that she and her Joe would be there with us the whole time, that he was really nice, and that I had no obligation to fall for him.

"Don't worry. I won't."

I already knew I was not looking for romance, or a soul mate, or a fling, or... anything else along those lines. (I'm already completely satisfied what I've got, thanks.)

However, it was a free dinner, and who knew, maybe an awesome new friend?

if only.

The plan was a photo scavenger hunt. Yay! right? hahah, no.

we split up at the entrance, Kyrie with her Joe- Me with the "him". we headed to the doors- I was reading through the list, with Mr. Dateman behind me, when suddenly- "Oomf!"

What ever he had been looking at must have been pretty fascinating. enough to overlook my presence and trample me.

at this point I thought " ok,  Cool. This guy is TOTALLY as socially awkward as I am! maybe this has potential. :)"

 Ahaha. No.

It seems he is strictly against any form of having fun, being silly, or doing anything slightly spontaneous what so ever.

Needless to say- with an akward "Um, I'm just not going to give you a hug, ok? and sure you can have my number, even though we both know you won't be calling it" goodbye, I was very ready to go home.

However, I can honestly say this date was a good... learning experience?

I now know the best pizza to order at the fire house pizza grill, that there is currently no Han Solo action figure in the toy section, and that try as you might- some things just wont work. (PS. sometimes this is a good thing.)

But don't worry guys, He wasn't fond of me either.

"She acted Cold." (said to Kyrie after the fact)
Schweet. 

At least I can say "that I'm upfront, and didn't lead him on"...

Over all...

 Boys, if you are wanting to be kind to your date:

• Don't ignore her.
• Don't shoot down her every idea.
• Don't make rude comments about passerby's
•  and Try and enjoy yourself a little.

 And Girls:

• Maybe give him a chance. even if he is kindof a goober.
• Plus it might be good if you don't constantly compare him to the man of your dreams...  It's probably a lot for the poor guy to live up to.

Free to Choose.

"Men are free to choose"

Right?

Right.

You can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable.

And I'm wanting happy. The only problem is that I'm having a very difficult time seeing which side is the happy side...

For example:
Art school! Yes? no.. yes! no? yes no yes no yes no....maybe? It's a dilemma.

You see, Art school is expensive. "zero money, major loans, possible debt, and working fifty years to pay it off," type of expensive. 

gag.

Plus- it's really kind of, sort of, far, far away...

Not to mention different. For some reason I have a hard time seeing little Mormon girl from small-town Utah, mixing well with a Big, Busy, very liberal, School of Fine Arts in California...
I will be almost completely alone.


However- Art School is also my best chance of becoming who I've wanted to be my whole life.

As my drawing professor puts it- "With an art degree- you will either be really rich and successful- or you will be flipping hamburgers the rest of your life."

great.
No pressure.

But I figure going to the right school- with the best possible education, and the right "ins" will widen my success window. Plus- I'm pretty sure the experience itself will be absolutely worth it.

I'll be in a place completely dedicated to something I love, and I'll be learning to stretch my talents wider and farther than I'd ever thought possible. Not to mention- being a couple thousand miles closer to a beach doesn't sound too bad either... :)

And if you really think about it- "alone" and "different" don't have to be bad things...

Maybe this is my road to independence and confidence.

Maybe it's my chance to make a difference- to change someone's life-

Maybe, Just maybe, there's someone out there who needs me.

(missionary experience?? hmm)
Maybe.

But maybe not..

Is it worth it? 

Gah! My brain is running in circles! I'm getting the ever so slight feeling that this is going to be the biggest choice I've ever had to make in my whole life! It might influence everything! It will influence everything... And if I make the wrong decision here- there's a pretty big chance that all of my hopes and dreams concerning my future hubby, family and career will get sucked into the deep dark abyss of despair- 

F O R E V E R ! ! !

ok. I might be exaggerating.. But it's still semi-terrifying.

I'm not one for numbers- but I'm pretty sure if you were to describe my feelings on this in math problem form, it would look like this:

Wish me luck.
Because I need it.

Patience

I might have teared up at the sight of that picture.
How it made me realize that some aspects of life are perfect and beautiful.
Happiness must be real,
possible,
because I saw it peaking from beneath those tiny eyelids- What could you be dreaming of?

I know my actions are laughable- It's a picture. Really? 
yeah..

But you'd get it- had you been in my head. you would know, just how very badly, I want a happiness like that.
I've waited my whole life for it.
I'm still waiting.

Someday. 

Sorry.

It seems I am much too good at being human.

Meaning- I often do things without consulting with that little voice they call a conscience.

Or I ignore it completely.


Anywho. I apologize.

Goodnight.

Breakable.

Connection is one thing that's always terrified me. When it happens, its like the two people involved are each given a thread- easy to snap, drop, tangle. 

(pinterest)

Friendship can be very delicate. Some people are more careful than others, determined to make the connection stronger, they're committed.
Committing scares me too...
When you are truly committing to someone- you're giving them a part of yourself- trusting them to hold that fragile little eggshell and not break it. I've always tried to hide mine. I feel safer that way.

In the past, when things would become too close, to sticky, or too "official" with somebody- I'd run. I've left people standing on porches, driven away from them in parking lots, and told them that distance was an acceptable excuse.

And it's always worked.

Mostly.

But go figure! life has a lovely habit of making exceptions to everything.

"Oh, Hey, Shawna- We're going to fling someone into your life that you cant possibly let go of! have fun!"

Its like throwing a bunny rabbit into a cage full of hungry and ferocious dogs. What ever happens- that rabbit will more than likely end  up broken...

hmmm....


So please- If you're reading this (and I'm pretty sure you know who you are.) - be careful.

Because I've officially given up.

That breakable, tender part of myself is starting to reach out.

and I've let it- which scares me more than anything.