Walls

There are some moments- you can't go back on,
Most of them you shouldn't want to.

What happens, happens- and you're stuck with it. Permanent Sharpie Marker stuck.

Life isn't written in pencil- you can't take an eraser to the parts that are painful, or scarring, or ugly.
But maybe that's a good thing.
 I mean, If you could erase- In a whirling colorful moment of  frustration and confusion- and forget it all- You might accidentally loose the beautiful parts along with it.

I've learned the hard way in art classes and sketchbooks- that once you erase something, you never really get the full effect of it back. "Oh, maybe I actually did that part right- Maybe it was ok?" But by then it's to late to re-draw. As any artist knows- It's nearly impossible to get the same pencil stroke back once you've taken it away.

and yeah.. sometimes I wish I could just forget things. Forget those moments of utmost failure- those times of being so close, but barley too short to reach- those little glimmers of hope that only prove to be let downs.

Sometimes I wonder why Life can't be more like nature. When a Volcano erupts- It kills everything around it. Every animal, flower petal, blade of grass- Poof, gone, in a splash of fire and smoke. Yet, somehow it's the complete destruction of everything that makes the rebirth so beautiful. It forgets everything from before in order to start up new.

People aren't like that for some reason.

We hold onto things in little boxes- unpacking them from time to time, remembering the dull throbs hidden inside.

I'm like that.

I have realized a few things though:

Like there's always a little beauty hidden behind the hurt. These are the things you're supposed to remember.

  A smell like rain and oil paint,

Long chats in the driveway with my feet on the dashboard,

the knowledge that somebody loves your music,

and fireworks mixed with the excitement of knowing you'd saved that moment for the right person.

Even if they didn't end up being right.

Even if you're confused as to why your answer doesn't meet theirs, 

Even if you want to forget.

So no- I'm not planning on forgetting.

I'm using these moments to make bricks.

I've learned that it's no good to build a wall of people-

They aren't stable enough.

Repeated times I've seen it- Lived it. Even at the age of five- I knew that the only thing you could count on a person to do, was change their mind. Somehow I've always try to hide it, to look past it- but no matter how hard I try to drape the fact behind sheets and curtains- Its still there.

Its just how people are.

and I've always known it.

So I'm building walls. My memories are my bricks- my reminders, They'll keep me on track. The only people I can really trust are myself and my God. Maybe someday, something will work out. Maybe someday someone will prove me wrong.

But I doubt it. 

People have come close before, And I've let them. I've given them the chance, the benefit, of the doubt, 

the "Maybe".

But I'm done. People are too fragile to be dropped multiple times. I'm closing the door, and I'm locking it.

Now don't see this as a bad thing. The way I see it, there's just been a shift in responsibility- I'm counting 100% on myself now. 

One less thing for someone else to worry about, right?

 

Right.

So no worries.

*Bows, and Curtain Falls.*